5



"Hey. How are you?" I said to the ladies of the North Crescent Church of God as I pushed past them to reach Drew.

"Well," said one of them who had what appeared to be some sort of green bean concoction all up in her bun, "not great, obviously, but better than the drunk hippy in the helicopter. We were on our way to deliver meals to our shut-ins when she rammed us."

"That drunk hippy is my best friend," I countered.

"Well, drinking is evil," said Green Bean Bun.

"Yes, the stuff of the devil," said another one.

Drew stood up, clutching the kitten to his this chest. He had dirty tear trails down both cheeks.

"Well, flattening a poor kitten isn't so nice either, Lady," he said accusingly, glowering at the ladies. "Plus, you have a bunch of crap in your hair."

There was a unified Church of God breath intake.

"THAT is not a nice word, young man," scolded Beanie.

Oh, no no no, lady. Oh no you di'ent.

Just before I went all snap on them, I caught myself. I turned to Beanie and her posse.

"I think you nosey nellies need to back yourselves up out of my yard and leave my kitty-saving son alone."

"Well," said Beanie, and 14 of the 15 crossed to the opposite side of the street. The one who stayed looked about twenty.

"Ma'am, can I help you with your younger son?"

Joe?

I had put him down to help Drew.

Where was he?

Behind me Joe stood "watering" the Japanese Maple in full view of each and every person involved in this fiasco. He had quite an impressive stream. I was pretty sure Drew and I were the only ones present who would think such a thought. I watched as Joe waved to his brothers standing inside the window. I looked back to the kind girl who had offered her help.

"I've got him, but thank you," I told her. She went over to the rest.

"Joe! Come here!"

He laughed and shook his naked booty at me but for once, listened. I was still wearing the Moby Wrap, so I picked him up and tucked him inside the wrap so the cops didn't call the Department of Child and Family Services. He was heavy and it hurt my back.

"Drew," I breathed a loud sigh. "What happened?"

"Okay, I came out of the garage and I saw this kitten on the other side of the street. I looked both ways, I swear, Mom," he promised, "before I started to cross. I didn't see anybody. The kitten started to cross, too, and I looked up the hill and here came that big van going fast down the hill-"

"We were NOT going over the speed limit, young man," cried Beanie from across the road.

Drew faced her.

"Ma'am, you went air born over the speed humps right at me," he replied and turned back to face me. "I heard a horn from the other direction. It was Astrid. I grabbed the kitten but I was too scared to move. Astrid plowed right into the side of their van like they said but I think she was trying to keep them from hitting me and the kitten. When she got out of the van, she had blood all down her face and she couldn't talk so good and fell down. Dickie and Jim called 9-1-1. I stayed with Astrid."

Suddenly a stench meandered up from the Moby Wrap.

"Hey, Mama, I farted on you," Joe snickered.

A gasp from across the street accompanied by head shaking. 

Drew and I laughed. The two older boys joined us after I waved to them to come out. I was having a hard time figuring everything out. So, Astrid was probably not "driving under the influence". It sounded like she had saved my son's life as most best friends would do. She very well could have been driving "without a license" because she was Astrid and was as scattered brained as I was most of the time. But the "blatant religious intolerance?" What did that even mean?

I turned to Dickie, the oldest.

"Okay, tell me how all this happened," I asked him.

"I heard Drew yelling and came to find out what happened. Astrid was bleeding. Those ladies were screaming," he told me.

"But why the helicopter? We're like 3 minutes from 3 hospitals," I said.

Dickie looked at Jim who looked at me, very sheepishly.

"Jim?" I said through gritted teeth.

"I might have exaggerated some when we called 9-1-1," he answered.

"I heard him call, Mom," Dickie tattled. "He told them that there was blood everywhere. People crushed and laying all over the place and his brother had been run over by a church bus."

"Well, he ALmost was," Jim said and punched Dickie. "You snitch."

Officer Mangina who had been questioning the church ladies crossed the street to talk to us.

"Ma'am," he said. "I have a few questions for you and your brood."

My milk let down in fear. Thank goodness I had a flatulent, bare assed toddler hiding my leaking boobies from Mangina.